Date Number #22

Despairing….

This is another one of those “gird yourself up for this one”, get cozy, grab a cup of tea or whatever will make you comfortable because this may be the other most difficult entry I pen.  On this date Jesus and I hover close to home on my patio, with encouraging tunes and a sturdy cup of joe.  This is a piece of the story behind broken engagement number two and it was crushing! Now it seems like ages ago and yet the emotions can be felt so easily.  No one ever goes into an engagement thinking it’s going to fall apart, especially this one.  I had never been so sure of any love!  It is now years later and I still have had moments where I ask God, Why?  My lament didn’t begin until a while after the ending because initially I was so mad at him that I couldn’t really grieve properly.

It’s difficult to know what to share because my sole motive is to have a story that helps someone else.  I don’t want my entry to feel like a broken record or a lament that is hard to connect with.  I know we all can relate with despair on some level.  That is the word that I would use to sum up this broken relationship.  And yet, through it all God was so faithful to show himself strong to me especially through a movie entitled, “The War Room”.  After seeing that movie, I made my own “War Room” where I begged and pleaded for my love to come back and be reconciled.  In the end it didn’t happen, but my faith and my prayer life grew more and more enriched and I could begin to see that there was a future beyond what I could see at the time.  You will see a photo of my “War Room” posted at the end of this post.  It’s vulnerable and very transparent to me and yet I want you to see where I spent my time praying and posting inspiration and scripture that spoke to me as I called out to Abba for help.  One other revolutionary moment came to me when I was in church standing by his side after we had broken up and were in the limbo stage of deciding if we were to reconcile.  I remember the song, “Blessed Be the Name” coming through the speakers at church loud and clear and the words,,,,,,”You give and take away, you give and take away” standing out to me loud and clear!  At that moment I was reminded that God does give and He does remove people, places and things from our lives for our good and His glory.  In the end, we did not reconcile and it was one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life and faith walk, but it was right and it was good on the Lord’s part.  I can fully see that now! Amen!?

Do you have a relationship in your life that has been keeping you stuck or that you are unwilling to let go of?  What might it look like to create your own “war room” where you can pray, lament, praise and ask Jesus to come in and be the center of your life and circumstances?  How does my story touch that place in you that has despaired?  Can you bring your despairing to Jesus and allow Him to heal you?

Let us pray now for the Holy Spirit to cover over our despairing and to move us out into a new season.  Dear Jesus~I am broken and in need of you.  I know that you cause all things to work together for the good of those who love you and who are called according to your purpose.  I don’t understand these circumstances.  I am miffed and brokenhearted.  Please take my lament and turn it into praise.  Please cover over my broken heart.  Please move me out into a new season where I can see what lies beyond the now.  Right now I can’t see.  I want things to work out.  I want my love to bend my way.  Father God return to me the years the locusts have eaten.  I thank you now in advance and I trust you with my heart.  In Jesus name, Amen.

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